Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
