Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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