Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
