The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
