i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
