My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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