I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
