so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
