Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
