just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
