seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
