This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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