the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
