Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Did I show you my penis last night?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
