I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
