thus making me awesome and them whores
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
