sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
