My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
