my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
