I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Who did Billy Mays play for?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
