My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
