someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
