stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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