You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
well you can't waste a boner
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
