his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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