I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
