Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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