Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
