Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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