Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize