you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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