why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
