Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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