If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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