this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
