I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
