people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
