: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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