If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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