I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize