He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize