I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
