my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We have started to decorate penises.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
