i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
