so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize