Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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