Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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