Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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