Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
