I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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