This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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