At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
