He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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