you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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