If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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