I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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