I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
well you can't waste a boner
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
